Well I haven’t been able to post to this blog for a while been really busy working a lot of hours. I thought I would be more worried all the time about what my husband was up to while I am at work. But I guess to that extent I have found some peace. I work an hour one way to work and have been doing 10 and 12 hour shifts, so I am gone 12 to 14 hours a day. And this time last year while I was at work was when I finally seen how bad my husbands addiction had become. It was a very dark time for me. I was just starting out in a fairly high stress and mentally draining field. I was already stressed with these facts alone and then my gut feelings started to hit. He was so distant and just not himself. He had just started with his online education and was working a totally new job. My husband had always been a construction worker gone for most of the day and didn’t get to spend much time just hanging out around the house. Now with school and becoming an in-home caregiver for our next door neighbor he had a lot of time to do nothing. And this is when I could feel him pulling away.
But I digress what I was starting to write about was now. Right now at this point I am not on edge and worrying all day about what he is doing. Wondering if he had fallen of the edge into his little world further destroying us. No I just can’t afford to expel the energy on this kind of behavior. It is pointless. He either will or he won’t I can’t change this. It has taken me a year to fully understand this but I finally do. I am able to actually concentrate on my work and it has actually been really good for me. I am able to socialize and be around other people and to actually forget about this plague in my life. I can finally step outside of it. It has been very liberating to say the least.
I have been involved in 3 different porn addiction forums for the greater part of this last year. And I have all but quit all of them. This is a huge step forward for me. I think it is still important for me to get my feelings out and try to help other partners of porn addicts but I don’t need it as much for my sanity like before. In the beginning of this journey it was what I needed to move thru the day. I had to connect with others forced into the same hell I was living. I needed someone, anyone to understand and be sympathetic to my dilemma. Someone to say you are not alone we have been there too. And thank God I did find these people it has helped me to grow. Without those 3 forums I don’t know what I would have done. I am thankful for them and the people I have had the opportunity to get to know.
But I think that chapter in my life is nearly over. I will be sad and so happy to see this chapter closed.